Jokes

These are real complaints received by “THOMAS COOK HOLIDAYS” from Dissatisfied Customers

CaPosts 2 years ago

1. “On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don’t like spicy food.”

2. “They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax.”

3. “We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish.”

4. “We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price.”

5. “The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room.”

6. “We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow.”

7. “It’s lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during ‘siesta’ time — this should be banned.”

8. “No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared.”

9. “Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers.”

10. “I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts.”

11. “The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun.”

12. “It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair.”

13. “I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends’ three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller.”

14. “The brochure stated: ‘No hairdressers at the resort.’ We’re trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service.”

15. “When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners.”

16. “We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning.”

17. “It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel.”

18. “I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes.”

19. “My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked.”

BE AWARE …

THEY WALK AMONG US and THEY VOTE!

This is How Millionaire Makes $20m in 2020

CaPosts 2 years ago

Millionaire: Makes $20m in 2020

Millionaire: Hires "artist" to make "art" for $25k

Artist: Puts one streak on canvas

Millionaire: Thanks artist and has art appraised by an appraiser in his same circle of íriends

Appraiser: Values artwork at $20m

Millionaire: Donates $20m artwork to museum to get $20m tax vvrite off

Millionaire: Pays notaxes in 2020

Me at museum: This is stupid, it's just a line on a canvas

Hipster next to me: No, you just don't understand it because you're uncultured.

Wife sent a message to her husband, but She never expects this to happen

CaPosts 2 years ago

Wife sent a message to her husband : Don't forget to buy vegetables on your way back from office, and Priscilla says hi to you .

Husband : Who is Priscilla ?

Wife: Nobody, I was just making sure that you read my message

=)) =)) =))

Twist in the tale.....

Husband : But l'm with Priscilla right now, so which Priscilla are you talking about?

Wife: Where are you....?

Husband: Near the vegetable market :)

Wife : Wait l’m coming there right now ...!

After 10 minutes she texts her husband "Where are you"?

Husband:I'm at office. Now that you are at the market, buy whatever vegetables you need... =)) =)) =))

Little Johnny Did not Say A Prayer before Eating

CaPosts 2 years ago

Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Johnny received his plate, he started eating straight away.

"Johnny, wait until we've said our prayer," his mother reminded him.

"I don't have to." - the little boy replied.

"Of course you do." - his mother insisted. "We say a prayer before eating at our house."

"That's at our house," Johnny explained, "but this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."

I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.

CaPosts 2 years ago

Facebook

I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.

Therefore, every day I walk down the Street and tell passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I will do later and with whom.

I give them pictures of my family, my dog and of me gardening, taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch and doing what anybody and everybody does every day.

I also listen to their conversations, give them the “thumbs up” and tell them I like them.

And it works just like Facebook! I already have four people following me: two police officers, a private investigator and a psychiatrist.

Her Skirt was too tight to Come up to step of the bus. Then this Happened

CaPosts 2 years ago

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time, she attempted the step.

Once again, much to her annoyance, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled," Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were friends."

This Old Man vs Urine Sample Bottle

CaPosts 2 years ago

The urine sample

One time I got sick and landed in hospital.

There was this one nurse that just drove me crazy. Every time she came in, she would talk to me like I was a little child.

She would say in a patronizing tone of voice,

“And how are we doing this morning?”

Or

“Are we ready for a bath?”

Or

“Are we hungry?”

I had had enough of this particular nurse.

One day at breakfast, I took the apple juice off the tray and put it in my bedside stand.

Later I was given a urine sample bottle to fill for testing So you know where the juice went!

The nurse came in a while later, picked up the urine sample bottle, looked at it and said,

“My, my, it seems we are a little cloudy today.”

At this, I snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and gulped it down, saying,

“Well, I will run it through again.

Maybe I can filter it better this time!”

The nurse fainted...

I just smiled.

DON’T MESS WITH OLD PEOPLE

Daughter sent this message to Dad and got response like this

CaPosts 2 years ago

Daughter’s text to Dad:

Daddy, l’m coming home to get married soon, so get your checkbook ready. LOL! As you know, l’m in Australia and he’s in the US. We met on a dating site, became friends on Facebook, and had long chats on Whatsapp. He proposed to me on Skype and now we’ve had a 2 month relationship through Viber. Dad,

I need your blessing, good wishes, and a really big wedding. Lots of love, Lilly.

Dad’s reply:

My dear Lilly, Like Wow! Really? Cool! Whatever... I suggest you two get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, register for your stuff on Amazon, and pay for it all through Paypal. And when you get fed up with this new husband, sell him on Ebay. Lots of love, Dad.

An Old Woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City Building. Then This Happened

CaPosts 3 years ago

An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City Building, when a young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!"

Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over, farts and says...

"Broccoli. 49 cents a pound!"

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