Jokes

A man left for work, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting and spending all his wages. Then this happened

CaPosts 3 years ago

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending all his wages.

When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was con-fronted by his very angry wife.

After two hours, she stopped nagging and said, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

He replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Thursday, the swelling went down just enough for him to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

The Couple went to Therapist’s Office But The Doctor Never Expected This

CaPosts 3 years ago

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist’s office.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

"We’re not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.

"She’s married and we can't go to her house. I’m married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare!

Grandma and Grandpa joke

CaPosts 3 years ago

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.

The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad( they're very strong and very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

"$10.00 a pill," answered the son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, l'll put the money under the pillow."

Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow.

He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110.

"I know," said Grandpa.

"The hundred is from Grandma!"

Birth Control for Grandma Joke

CaPosts 3 years ago

Birth Control for Grandma

The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her lite finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills

'Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?

“Yes, they help me sleep at night.”

“Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!"

The old lady reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee ..."Yes, dear, l know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix ¡t in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks. and believe me, it definitely helps me sleep at night”

You gotta Love Grandmas!!!

My Living Will Joke

CaPosts 3 years ago

My Living Will

Last night my kids and I were sitting In the living room and I said to them,

"I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.

If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

They got up, unplugged the Computer and threw out my wine!!

The little B.a.s.t.a.r.d.s.

Important Facts to Remember as You Grow Older

CaPosts 3 years ago

Important Facts to Remember as You Grow Older

• Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

• Life is sexually transmitted.

• Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

• Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks. months. maybe years.

• Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

• All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

• In the 60's. people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird. and people take Prozac to make it normal.

• Don't worry about old age: it doesn't last that long.

THE PERFECT HUSBAND

CaPosts 3 years ago

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out.

I stopped and asked her what was wrong.

She said, "I have a 22-year-old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."

I said, "Well, then why are you crying ?"

She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon".

I said, "Well, why are you crying ?"

She said, "For dinner, he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.

I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying ?"

She said, "I can't remember where I live."

The Lady was standing at the railing of a cruise ship holding her hat on tight. This is Priceless

CaPosts 3 years ago

An old lady was standing at the railing of a cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said: ‘Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?

“Yes, I know,” said the lady, “I need both hands to hold onto this hat.”

“But, madam, you are not wearing anything under your dress, and your privates are exposed!” said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied...

“Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!”

This Man Explains Perfectly How The Government Works. This is Hurt but True

CaPosts 3 years ago

A young man, named Chuck, bought a horse from a farmer for $250. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Chuck's house and said, "sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died."

Chuck replied, "well, just give me my money back then."

The farmer said, "I can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Chuck said, "ok, then, just bring me the dead horse."

The farmer asked, "what ya gonna do with him?"

Chuck said, "I'm going to raffle him off."

The farmer said, "you can't raffle off a dead horse!"

Chuck said, "sure I can .... watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, "what happened with that dead horse?"

Chuck said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at a fiver each and made a profit of $2495."

The farmer said, "didn't anyone complain?"

Chuck said, "just the guy who won. So I gave him his fiver back."

Chuck grew up and now works for the government.

This Butcher Is Shooing A Dog From His Shop. But Never Expects This!

CaPosts 4 years ago

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please."

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please."

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench.

When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery.

After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, then the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door.

He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door.

A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.

The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!"

The owner responds, "Genius, my ass.........

It's the second time this week he's forgotten his keys!"

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